This is something for Read Write Poem Prompt 41. It uses this stripped down poem from Dave at Throws His Words:
_______ all the _____ and _______,
_______ ____ obscures the ____.
____ _______ breezes _______
erase the ______ of the ___.
But still the _____ _____ of the ________
awakens ______ ___ and ____.
In the ________ _________ echo,
_________ half-__________ ______.
Ageless ________ in the _______,
_____ and _____ and _____ alone,
connected ______ ___ to _____,
a long-lost _____ is _____ _____.
I filled in the blanks (with as few changes as possible to the original structure) and came up with this, called Host:
Yodeling all the time and flying,
this angelic host obscures the TV.
Batting wings breeze past,
erasing the peace of the house.
But still the quiet hour of the Sabbath
awakens my freedom and they leave.
In the ordinary evening’s echo,
I’m half-crazed by chanting.
Ageless, they crowd the air,
unchanging and demanding and monotonous. Alone,
connected only to myself,
a long-lost rest is prayed for.
17 responses so far ↓
Jo // August 25, 2008 at 9:07 am |
Another good job with this. I’m afraid I tried and failed miserably. In the ordinary evening’s echo is worthy of TS Eliot, love: I’m crazed by chanting, ageless they crowd the air.
nathan1313 // August 25, 2008 at 11:14 am |
Thanks Jo. This was so much harder than I thought it was going to be. It was fun but also very challenging.
holly22473 // August 25, 2008 at 11:56 am |
Jo took the two lines that were my favorite! You truly did succeed in making this your own…
ravenswingpoetry // August 25, 2008 at 12:24 pm |
I like what you built here. Good write. Brief, but packing a lot of meaning and description into a little space.
-Nicole
gautami tripathy // August 25, 2008 at 12:48 pm |
I too took Dave’s skeleton. You have done a far better work of it than I!
http://firmlyrooted.blogspot.com/2008/08/paring-it-all-down-to-basics.html
Julie // August 25, 2008 at 1:23 pm |
This is amazing, Nathan. I was just playing around with the blanks, and I don’t know how you did it so well. I wouldn’t know you used a prompt if you didn’t tell me.
My favorite lines are the last two. Connected only to myself…a long-lost rest is prayed for. This makes me think of Ernest Angely, the televangelist…ha! The yodeling…batting his wings, etc. Excellent work!
nathan1313 // August 25, 2008 at 1:26 pm |
Thanks a lot Julie. You know I thought this would be easy for some reason. But you’re writing in someone else’s rhythm and I think when I write I think in rhythm kind of, you know? So it was hard to think in different way but really really fun at the same time.
christine // August 25, 2008 at 2:03 pm |
I like how you take a metaphysical subject like angels and mix is with the TV. You describe this ineffable human state so well.
Annamari // August 25, 2008 at 5:29 pm |
“Yodeling all the time and flying,
this angelic host obscures the TV.”
great start. draws you to the rest of the poem …
nathan1313 // August 25, 2008 at 7:04 pm |
christine, Annamarie, thank you both for reading this.
throwshiswords // August 25, 2008 at 9:20 pm |
Hi Nathan, it’s so cool how you made something completely different out of my poem’s ol’ bones
. I agree with you about “thinking in rhythms”, much more than rhyme — whether I’m reading or writing poems, I almost hear the metronome in my head.
a~lotus // August 25, 2008 at 9:55 pm |
I like lines 7-12 as the religious/spiritual aspect appeal to me, and that’s because I’m a devout Catholic.
Nevertheless, in speaking of breaking down to the bones, I can dissect your poem, and say that generally, it looks like the first half was more human than the last half of the poem. So it looks like you connected the human with the divine.
Hope that made sense.
Great job with the skeleton!! If you took the skeleton away, I wouldn’t have realized it! Thanks for sharing and visiting (of course!).
lirone // August 26, 2008 at 4:16 pm |
Intriguing to follow a~lotus’s comment… I enjoyed the poem because I’m not a devout adherent of any religion. And for me the yodelling angels were all the televangelists cluttering up the airspace. Great first line – really grabs the reader’s attention. This was a great skeleton to work with, and an interesting exercise!
...deb // August 27, 2008 at 1:28 pm |
Incredible. This really is yours. I wouldn’t have thought it was another’s frame, unless I had known before.
Interesting to follow everyone else’s comments. I am intrigued with the angelic voices. I heard televangelists, and also a family of crows overlaid on the scene, mixing it all up. Yodeling and cawing – a no-peace raucous.
And it all starts for me with “yodeling”…right off the mark, and everything that follows is magic.
(Would you tell? Preacher or bird or?)
nathan1313 // August 27, 2008 at 1:51 pm |
Well, deb I hate to ruin it with explanation but I was thinking of someone who’s house was filled with angels and how annoying that would be eventually even if you were religious. Thank you for asking and for your kind words.
lirone // August 27, 2008 at 9:01 pm |
Nathan, some explanations add things. In my case, a memory from a few months ago of being shown around a furnished flat that was stunning in all sorts of ways, except that it was utterly saturated with angels – every picture, ornament and even some bits of furniture was dripping with angels or cherubs. There was even an indoor waterfall/font (about 4 feet high) with two plump putti lounging in a sylvan grove!
I think even the religious would have found it wearing, and I knew I just couldn’t cope with living there!
nathan1313 // August 27, 2008 at 10:18 pm |
lirone, that’s wonderful! If I had a photo of that place I’d post it with this poem.